Finding Your Elder

By JLee Davis

I remember the moment when I finally realized how very much I’d hurt the woman looking at me.  I could hardly look at her.  The eyes accused me.  I had deceived her.  I’d let her fall by the wayside.  I had let her down.  She’d had better hopes for me.  I was the only one she could truly depend on.  There was ONLY me to care for her and I’d let her down.

How very disappointed I felt in myself at that moment.  My heart felt like someone was squeezing my chest in a vice.  And I couldn’t shut my eyes to escape her stare. 

Yes, I knew that even by shutting my eyes, I could still see hers.  They shone their film on the inside of my eyelids and on in the crevices of my Self.  She was me and I, her.  Heartbroken at feeling so regretful and stupid, I opened my eyes again and stared into my own in the mirror…deep, velvet brown.  My hair was quite streaked with gray now.  But her eyes…those of a older me, watched me squirm.  I could see the disappointment.   

I’d told her I would take care of her.   

How many times had I promised her I’d do more exercise?

How many times had I sworn to lay off the soda and additives?

How often did she hear me swear to escort her into middle age with grace, dignity and a decently healthy body? 

How big a screw up did I feel?  Words can’t even begin to describe it.   

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It was at that moment that I decided to forgive myself and ensure that I wouldn’t have to face her disappointment again.  I’d had all the guilt and self-loathing I could handle.  I wanted to feel DIFFERENTLY.  I wanted to face the woman I would eventually be and know in my heart that I had done my very best for her.  That I had kept my part of the bargain.  I wanted to FEEL her forgiveness in the years to come. 

I’d never had a problem forgiving the younger me.  I’d had my reckless times, the periods of time I didn’t care about my appearance or health.  I’d also had my times of intense care.  I’d begin a sport, get rather good at it and then stop.  I’d diet and eat right and then stop.  I suddenly knew how very hard all that starting and stopping was on my body.  I had a clear understanding of how very tired and ill I’d made my body with the good and bad dips in my diet and self-care.  I’d have been infinitely healthier at this point had I kept a steady pace.  The downtimes did more damage to me, than a constant half diet of bad foods.  The ups and downs had thrown my metabolic memory into overload and so my metabolism never knew which end was up.   

I was being given a gift.  I knew that evening, as I stood looking at my eyes, that I owed it to who I would be, to be more vigilant.  I knew I couldn’t plead ignorance or laziness any longer. I knew I had to make a commitment. 

I didn’t want to be standing, ten years from now, wondering why I’d let myself down again.  Why I’d completely ignored who I would become.  I felt I’d been given yet another chance to do right by my Self…to be true to me for a change instead of cheating myself with my laziness and lack of commitment.   

I wanted to be able to look myself in the eye. 

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About The Author
JL Davis has been writing for over 35 years and is published in many formats including in-print books, print articles, online publications and poetry and erotica collections. Her writing covers a wide variety of topics.

Category:  aging, self-love, motivation